The Correct Response

This is a combination of a dancing update and a question on how to react to others.

Tonight was dance class. On Sunday night I practiced dancing. Honestly I did a combination of practice and playing around, but I did practice. Finding where to put my feet and when seems to be a challenge for me. I counted the steps and I played around until I felt a little bit better about everything. It was fun and exciting and I enjoyed myself a lot in the privacy of my own apartment. Then I got to dance class. The teacher had me help out last week, this week I was almost his only "helper".

I tried to do everything right, everyone was watching, everyone was trying to learn and I was supposed to be an example. While managed to control the blushing a bit, I still felt awkward. The class was nearly full of beginners, translating into mostly strangers, even more than the old mostly strangers. The teacher was nice to me and didn't point out my shortcomings in front of the class like I feared he might. Looking back I wish he had.

This class was the first class to be uneven. There were more females than males meaning somebody had to dance with the teacher. I spent the first few dances with a wonderful and humorous elderly man who kidded about how tense and nervous he was, his jokes and uncertainty was relaxing for me. Then the teacher told me he was going to dance with me instead, "Because you need work. Just kidding." Commence dancing. Some place between there and the first dance in front of the class where he told me I did excellent I became confused.

We switched partners later again later. My old partner actually requested to have me back for a few dances, which was nice and means he doesn't hate me like I thought he might. Or maybe he was just more comfortable with me than the larger, towering woman in heels who joined the class and became his partner tonight. I assisted in showing a few new steps to the class, as in steps that were new to all of us not just the first timers. Then I danced with another guy who had been to the previous two classes. A bit more dancing and we all left.

On my way out I thanked a few of my partners near by for the dance. The last man I danced with I said, "See you next week!" to, he response (I think) "Yeah, practice some before then." Which of course may have been "I"ll practice some before then" or "You should practice some before then." or "We can all get some practice in before then."

Here is where the question of the correct response comes in: how should I feel about the evening? There is a defensive part of me that is shouting, "But I'm trying! And I just came to have fun! And no one is perfect! And this is a beginners class and I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong!" Of course there a lots of variations on that but you get the idea. Another side tries to be reasonable and says that he may have said any of those other things. There's no reason to get worked up. However, worked up I am.

When people say things to me they run deep. The book Jess suggested talks about naming people and the importance of those names. I allow everyone to name me, even the man tonight who's name I don't know. How should we deal with the words others give us to define ourselves? Both good and bad things said about me I have always struggled with, I become what you call me. "Be careful how you define me," I tell my loved ones, "I will become whatever it is you do."

That doesn't seem like the appropriate response though. Walking away and ignoring others doesn't either. How are we to be defined outside of our community? My dancing has very little meaning outside of a partner, a culture, a time period. I need these things for the character of me to play in, and therefore they shape and define me, shouldn't I pay attention to how my character is perceived? If I do simply ignore comments made about how others see me with what objective tools can I develop a sense of self?

So when I prepare for dance class next week, because the idea of walking away in shame is not one I can choose, do I spend extra time trying harder and harder to prove myself worthy to a name that I fear may have been given to me? Do I harden my heart to the comments and dismiss them over and over while I over think the situation, as I am almost certain to do? Do I become angry? Devalue myself as a dancer? Do I accept that I have no skill and therefore should not attempt it again after this course? How do I move forward after being named?

Please apply this to hundreds of themes, people, and ideas over the course of any given week. It's not just a dance, it's a life.

Seeing Today

I tend to over think things. Pretty much everything. In fact, on Sunday one of my co-workers asked me if I over think things and told me I should stop. After she left, I over thought that comment for the better part of the next hour. I do have these kinds of issues.

That's why I'm attempting to spend more time looking at where I am. At age 24 I struggle with my past and reconciling it to my belief structure, who I am, how the world should be, what relationships look like, all of these are things that bog me down with questions about the past and what it means now. The future is an empty terrifying whiteness. A blank page stares at me and dares me to write in black permanent marker. Somewhere between these two challenges lives me. Scary, right?

Anyways, today is where they met. To avoid over thinking on topics which my mind finds overwhelming I'm going to try to meet the scary parts at a place where the rubber meets the road, today.

What did I do today you might ask? (Actually you probably don't care but there isn't a boyfriend or best friend calling me every night to ask about my day and so the internet gets another drab blog, you'll deal I'm sure. )

Today I went to work at my office job. I remembered while I worked today why it is I chose that job. Career wise I am where I am for a reason. I left a job that I hated, not to find a job that I loved, but instead to find a sense of stability. Craziness was constantly assaulting me day after day both in work and in my personal life before I took this office job. Maybe it sounds silly but my self worth was, and to an extent still is, tied to how well I preform at work. In retail this is something that can often be measured on a daily basis, if you're having a bad day you know it. It's also incredibly difficult to leave who you are at home at the door of your store. This has been especially true for me at the places where I love the people I work with the most. I was struggling to balance my personal life and my work life and often they were colliding and doing serious damage to my self esteem. It was challenging to separate them and develop ways of interacting with the world outside of my job because of the ever changing schedule. A change was needed.

Now I work in a place where I have the same hours nearly every week. I can count on the same day more or less every day (even though it never is) and the people I work with support me and uplift me in a way that doesn't intrude on my personal life so dramatically. They allow me to share what I want or need to with them but never enter into my world without express permission. I often leave work feeling uplifted and both named worthwhile and protected. It's not a glamorous job, not one that I want to keep forever, but the perfect fit while I struggle through this confusing time for me.

After work I came home and began rearranging my apartment. This is a trick I learned from my mom as a child. Cleaning the house is not a fun task, make it more fun by completely remaking the kind of home you live in. This of course requires serious deep cleaning and often letting go of lots of possessions. That is what I needed tonight though. I moved my giant desk into the living room and started trying to make it more "stranger accessible."

Less than an hour later I went off to dance class leaving the house in obvious disarray. The class size had doubled since last week. The moves were much more complicated but everyone was wonderfully nice. I was so grateful to the older women who were welcoming and chatted with me. This became even more true after the instructor asked me to assist him in showing the class several steps over the course of the night. I was awkward but tried hard and smiled welcoming the challenge but more than a little nervous. After class ended some of the other folks in it said they looked forward to seeing me next week. It was nice to be remembered and wanted.

I returned home and finished some of my cleaning. My world isn't perfectly ordered but I have been able to let go of some things, bit by bit, that hold me to an older lifestyle. Tonight I took a mega block set that my exboyfriend had given to me as a gift for a romantic holiday over to the neighbor. He has two boys that are younger and might enjoy the huge set worth nearly $40. Now I have more space and have severed yet another tie to my past. It's not easy seeing everything though. There are photos I came across of us kissing, spending time together, and having fun. Memories of what it means to be loved flood back in. This is the challenge: to let go of something I can no longer hold and have faith that some day there will be something more than weak memories of a lover I don't have. Shouldn't be hard right?

So that's today. My bridge from yesterday to tomorrow. I had many joys and many sorrows but my day was completely real. All the emotions and struggles, tensions and trials, all the raw moments and astonishing joy, it wasn't from the television or a second hand story, I didn't see a movie or read the paper, I lived my life, today, even though it was scary to write it out, I guess we all manage some how.

Creating a New Life, One Cliff at a Time

In nearly three months I will past the 2 year marker since I graduated. In two years I have experienced a few minor changes from my college lifestyle. These changes include, but are not limited to the following:

I graduated
Moved in with friends
Quit my job of six years at the toy store
Started working full time as a ASL at a tween clothing store
Broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years
Began cooking
Distanced myself from old friendships
Moved into my own apartment alone
Took up drinking
Made a new friend who introduced me to several more
Started an office job full time in a glass manufacturing company in the country
Quit my management job
Tried to make things work with said ex boyfriend
Took up smoking
Took up art
Took up yoga
Began Friday Nights
Forgave past hurts
Started seeing a psychologist
Lost ex boyfriend to another girl
Went on a trip to Seattle
Watched my friends get married
Said good bye to three of my favorite people as they journeyed to Seattle.

It's a brief history of the last few years. Maybe it isn't everything but I hope it highlights some of the general themes. It's been a few years of struggling with a transition between past and future. Generally when people ask how I'm doing now I am either "Marvelous!" or bleak. "The vortex of pessimism and despair." Neither of these extremes are really all that fair. Things have been up and down, growing is like that; I am extreme in my responses and that's just how I am.

Still, this is a new chapter in my life. I have outlined where I was, and where I was no longer affords me a place to go back to. I can't try to repair a relationship with my ex boyfriend, he has a new girlfriend and a new life outside of the state, our relationship is over. I can not step back into my comfortable job at the toy store because they are out of business. There is no returning to the ease of my former friendships in their former states because those relationships have changed either due to emotional, spiritual, mental, or geographical distances. In short, there is no going home again. "We must go on."

That's what this blog is about, at least for now. Going on is an adventure, even if it is only in my neighborhood. Suddenly every person I meet becomes a new opportunity at contact, yay human contact! There are moments which fall into my life and moments which I must force myself to create that allow me to build a new life out of the materials around me. This is my adventure, this is my challenge, this is my goal: make something out of what you have now.

Following this line of reasoning I have spent the week challenging myself in ways I never would have before. Several weeks ago I posted an ad on craigslist for girls who were seeking a friend. I was wondering if there were other people who were lonely as a result of recent transitions like the ones I was going through. As it turns out there are in abudance! Not that they all answered, but I got enough responses and I've talked to enough people for me to believe my feelings aren't uncommon. I ended up being contacted my a girl roughly my age who was new to Grand Rapids and looking for someone to spend time with. Her long time boyfriend moved here with her but is away at school for the semster and she doesn't really know many people. On Monday we met for dinner.

Have I mentioned that I am terrified of new people? I am. Still, I found that little spark of guts inside me and met a stranger. We ate our salads, yet another newer addition to my life, and talked for nearly three hours. Following the meal we made plans to connect on facebook and set up coffee for sometime next week. Now I have one new people friend on facebook and both of her guinea pigs have friended me as well! If my friends were still in town I would never have had this experience.

On Tuesday night I went dancing. I wanted to take a class. Being a philosohy major and pretty much obessed with the topic, I originally wanted to take classes at Grand Valley a night or two a week. I have learned that one week before the semster starts is not the best time to see about attending a school however. After a lot of paper work, missed deadlines, and bad internet connections I decided that, at least for this semster, $5.00 east coast swing lessons would be easier and more challenging for me than a $1200 philosophy class that I might get into.

I showed up, after having a lovely dinner of tuna steak and mango sauce with white wine (prepared by yours truely), for the course. Nervously I peeked into the two room studio only to be greeted by cheering bald men. Apparently they were shy on females for the evening. I got the quick $5.00 tour by the owner of the place and shortly thereafter the class began. There were four men and four women counting me. We began class. It was lots of fun, lots of awkward moments, I overthought everything from the time I walked in to the time I left, but I enjoyed it all. We danced to Black Velvet and Boot Scoot and Boogie. Grinning away I left the building counting steps, 1,2,3. 4,5,6. Rockstep. I'm supposed to practice at least an hour this week on the basic steps for mucle memory. If I don't, Jim will most certainly know.

Tonight I turned down a shift at my second job. This seems like a small thing but in the world of me, who uses work to hide from really interacting with others or examining my own life, it's kinda a big thing. I'm sitting on the porch talking with neighbors. They may even believe that someone actually lives here this week. How crazy is that? Tonight I'll read a book that my friend suggested, I'll paint a little, I'll practice my dance steps, and in it all I'll remember that this is the adventure of my life. At least for now, this is the stage that I play on.