This morning I tried to turn the radio to a station I used to regularly listen to and it had changed to sports news. I left the dial to espn and continued to work while they babbled about baseball and football. For eight hours I listened to a culture to which I am basically a stranger.It isn't that I don't understand sports, for the most part I do, I simply have never followed them. I know how many innings are in a baseball game, I understand the basics of football (though I never excelled at keeping score), and I can keep straight where most of the teams are from. However I barely know the most famous of players and have never remembered, or learned for that matter, the stats that keep many men interested in their favorite teams and players.
So I learned some interesting things today. The men on the radio talked a lot about their childhoods, about sports history, about the future of their industry. They were excited about what was to come in the NFL season. The tempo of the day was racing. Maybe it always has that hyped up element, maybe it was more so because it was a seasons opening day.
One of the former champs was talking about the importance of seeing each season for itself. He said that no matter what a team did to have the winning season the year before they needed to remember that each season was journey all its own. Every year must stand completely alone. A team can't go back and play the same game they did last year, the past is the past and each journey is completely different. New elements must be added, new skills learned, new stratgies discovered. Each team must adapt to the needs of this new journey.
I took away a life lesson. We can't expect to keep reliving our old ways of doing things. No matter how grand the past was, to reach success again we must stop reliving old glories and strive for a completely new kind of glory. Every stage of life can only be conqured when we remember that it is a different journey for a different reason.
This season isn't about learning the same lessons I did last season, it's about building on to the journey I've already had and changing in new ways. This brings me both hope and sorrow. Getting comfortable is never an option. Which sucks. But it means that I don't have to rely on parts of me that are used up and have been smashed to pieces. If I played basketball, for example, just because I can no longer dunk the ball doesn't mean my game is ruined, instead it give me an edge. Every other team would expect me to keep trying to dunk, what if instead I because an amazing defensive player? Or what if I set up other players on the court so they could excel? What if I changed it all and ended up adding more than the obvious to the game?
This feels a bit cheap. In fact, looking back at the last few days I feel a little like I've been struggling with the moral of the story and looking for an easy one. Maybe that's because an easy moral to all of this might make the pain and easier pill to swollow. Maybe there really are a few worthwhile moral of the story kinds of lessons to be learned. Maybe I've been drowning in a self-help binge after a self-destruction one. Give me sometime, maybe I'll go deeper.
For now I'm just picking up on a few parts of living that I have barely any experience in, like sports new.
Showing posts with label day by day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label day by day. Show all posts
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
On Being Loved
Officially, on facebook status, I'm single. I am a single individual beating my chest against the world daring it to take me on. Unofficially I am part of a million loose connections of people who probably wouldn't mention me as part of the "people of their life" stories but still have regular and important interactions with, even if it is only by chance.
Being "alone" allows me to be with lots of other people. When I say that I don't mean I get to go home with a different guy every night, I mean that I get to appreciate the small parts of the loose interactions so much more. Little moments become much larger. For example, one of the things I enjoy most about dancing is that it allows for touching that is restrictive enough for me to allow but still a physical gesture of closeness. Small touches from others are surprisingly encouraging when I can convince myself to accept them as only that. Likewise, a shared love of a style of writing brings a smile to my face that I remember on the drive home. A near stranger who shouts "Why have we never talked about this before! I like you so much now!" brightens my evening. There is a heart stopping lurch when a co-worker says "I love you." Knowing that it's true, maybe even on several levels, allows for mixed feelings of gratitude and tension.
When I had someone to come home to every night, when there was the promise that someone would care about my day and would reinforce who I was, these moments went by unnoticed. Other people were less relevant. Now I can experience a greater range of love and because I notice it in others I feel I can better give, if not love, at least care and consideration to the people I live in these loose communities with.
It was just a day, but a facebook message, a missed call, a text sent, and a handful of conversations and hugs were more than enough to make it bareable. This is what I need to remember in the mornings when I hate myself for draging a nearly lifeless body from bed and forcing it out into, what feels like, an unforgiving and cold world.
Being "alone" allows me to be with lots of other people. When I say that I don't mean I get to go home with a different guy every night, I mean that I get to appreciate the small parts of the loose interactions so much more. Little moments become much larger. For example, one of the things I enjoy most about dancing is that it allows for touching that is restrictive enough for me to allow but still a physical gesture of closeness. Small touches from others are surprisingly encouraging when I can convince myself to accept them as only that. Likewise, a shared love of a style of writing brings a smile to my face that I remember on the drive home. A near stranger who shouts "Why have we never talked about this before! I like you so much now!" brightens my evening. There is a heart stopping lurch when a co-worker says "I love you." Knowing that it's true, maybe even on several levels, allows for mixed feelings of gratitude and tension.
When I had someone to come home to every night, when there was the promise that someone would care about my day and would reinforce who I was, these moments went by unnoticed. Other people were less relevant. Now I can experience a greater range of love and because I notice it in others I feel I can better give, if not love, at least care and consideration to the people I live in these loose communities with.
It was just a day, but a facebook message, a missed call, a text sent, and a handful of conversations and hugs were more than enough to make it bareable. This is what I need to remember in the mornings when I hate myself for draging a nearly lifeless body from bed and forcing it out into, what feels like, an unforgiving and cold world.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Seeing Today
I tend to over think things. Pretty much everything. In fact, on Sunday one of my co-workers asked me if I over think things and told me I should stop. After she left, I over thought that comment for the better part of the next hour. I do have these kinds of issues.
That's why I'm attempting to spend more time looking at where I am. At age 24 I struggle with my past and reconciling it to my belief structure, who I am, how the world should be, what relationships look like, all of these are things that bog me down with questions about the past and what it means now. The future is an empty terrifying whiteness. A blank page stares at me and dares me to write in black permanent marker. Somewhere between these two challenges lives me. Scary, right?
Anyways, today is where they met. To avoid over thinking on topics which my mind finds overwhelming I'm going to try to meet the scary parts at a place where the rubber meets the road, today.
What did I do today you might ask? (Actually you probably don't care but there isn't a boyfriend or best friend calling me every night to ask about my day and so the internet gets another drab blog, you'll deal I'm sure. )
Today I went to work at my office job. I remembered while I worked today why it is I chose that job. Career wise I am where I am for a reason. I left a job that I hated, not to find a job that I loved, but instead to find a sense of stability. Craziness was constantly assaulting me day after day both in work and in my personal life before I took this office job. Maybe it sounds silly but my self worth was, and to an extent still is, tied to how well I preform at work. In retail this is something that can often be measured on a daily basis, if you're having a bad day you know it. It's also incredibly difficult to leave who you are at home at the door of your store. This has been especially true for me at the places where I love the people I work with the most. I was struggling to balance my personal life and my work life and often they were colliding and doing serious damage to my self esteem. It was challenging to separate them and develop ways of interacting with the world outside of my job because of the ever changing schedule. A change was needed.
Now I work in a place where I have the same hours nearly every week. I can count on the same day more or less every day (even though it never is) and the people I work with support me and uplift me in a way that doesn't intrude on my personal life so dramatically. They allow me to share what I want or need to with them but never enter into my world without express permission. I often leave work feeling uplifted and both named worthwhile and protected. It's not a glamorous job, not one that I want to keep forever, but the perfect fit while I struggle through this confusing time for me.
After work I came home and began rearranging my apartment. This is a trick I learned from my mom as a child. Cleaning the house is not a fun task, make it more fun by completely remaking the kind of home you live in. This of course requires serious deep cleaning and often letting go of lots of possessions. That is what I needed tonight though. I moved my giant desk into the living room and started trying to make it more "stranger accessible."
Less than an hour later I went off to dance class leaving the house in obvious disarray. The class size had doubled since last week. The moves were much more complicated but everyone was wonderfully nice. I was so grateful to the older women who were welcoming and chatted with me. This became even more true after the instructor asked me to assist him in showing the class several steps over the course of the night. I was awkward but tried hard and smiled welcoming the challenge but more than a little nervous. After class ended some of the other folks in it said they looked forward to seeing me next week. It was nice to be remembered and wanted.
I returned home and finished some of my cleaning. My world isn't perfectly ordered but I have been able to let go of some things, bit by bit, that hold me to an older lifestyle. Tonight I took a mega block set that my exboyfriend had given to me as a gift for a romantic holiday over to the neighbor. He has two boys that are younger and might enjoy the huge set worth nearly $40. Now I have more space and have severed yet another tie to my past. It's not easy seeing everything though. There are photos I came across of us kissing, spending time together, and having fun. Memories of what it means to be loved flood back in. This is the challenge: to let go of something I can no longer hold and have faith that some day there will be something more than weak memories of a lover I don't have. Shouldn't be hard right?
So that's today. My bridge from yesterday to tomorrow. I had many joys and many sorrows but my day was completely real. All the emotions and struggles, tensions and trials, all the raw moments and astonishing joy, it wasn't from the television or a second hand story, I didn't see a movie or read the paper, I lived my life, today, even though it was scary to write it out, I guess we all manage some how.
That's why I'm attempting to spend more time looking at where I am. At age 24 I struggle with my past and reconciling it to my belief structure, who I am, how the world should be, what relationships look like, all of these are things that bog me down with questions about the past and what it means now. The future is an empty terrifying whiteness. A blank page stares at me and dares me to write in black permanent marker. Somewhere between these two challenges lives me. Scary, right?
Anyways, today is where they met. To avoid over thinking on topics which my mind finds overwhelming I'm going to try to meet the scary parts at a place where the rubber meets the road, today.
What did I do today you might ask? (Actually you probably don't care but there isn't a boyfriend or best friend calling me every night to ask about my day and so the internet gets another drab blog, you'll deal I'm sure. )
Today I went to work at my office job. I remembered while I worked today why it is I chose that job. Career wise I am where I am for a reason. I left a job that I hated, not to find a job that I loved, but instead to find a sense of stability. Craziness was constantly assaulting me day after day both in work and in my personal life before I took this office job. Maybe it sounds silly but my self worth was, and to an extent still is, tied to how well I preform at work. In retail this is something that can often be measured on a daily basis, if you're having a bad day you know it. It's also incredibly difficult to leave who you are at home at the door of your store. This has been especially true for me at the places where I love the people I work with the most. I was struggling to balance my personal life and my work life and often they were colliding and doing serious damage to my self esteem. It was challenging to separate them and develop ways of interacting with the world outside of my job because of the ever changing schedule. A change was needed.
Now I work in a place where I have the same hours nearly every week. I can count on the same day more or less every day (even though it never is) and the people I work with support me and uplift me in a way that doesn't intrude on my personal life so dramatically. They allow me to share what I want or need to with them but never enter into my world without express permission. I often leave work feeling uplifted and both named worthwhile and protected. It's not a glamorous job, not one that I want to keep forever, but the perfect fit while I struggle through this confusing time for me.
After work I came home and began rearranging my apartment. This is a trick I learned from my mom as a child. Cleaning the house is not a fun task, make it more fun by completely remaking the kind of home you live in. This of course requires serious deep cleaning and often letting go of lots of possessions. That is what I needed tonight though. I moved my giant desk into the living room and started trying to make it more "stranger accessible."
Less than an hour later I went off to dance class leaving the house in obvious disarray. The class size had doubled since last week. The moves were much more complicated but everyone was wonderfully nice. I was so grateful to the older women who were welcoming and chatted with me. This became even more true after the instructor asked me to assist him in showing the class several steps over the course of the night. I was awkward but tried hard and smiled welcoming the challenge but more than a little nervous. After class ended some of the other folks in it said they looked forward to seeing me next week. It was nice to be remembered and wanted.
I returned home and finished some of my cleaning. My world isn't perfectly ordered but I have been able to let go of some things, bit by bit, that hold me to an older lifestyle. Tonight I took a mega block set that my exboyfriend had given to me as a gift for a romantic holiday over to the neighbor. He has two boys that are younger and might enjoy the huge set worth nearly $40. Now I have more space and have severed yet another tie to my past. It's not easy seeing everything though. There are photos I came across of us kissing, spending time together, and having fun. Memories of what it means to be loved flood back in. This is the challenge: to let go of something I can no longer hold and have faith that some day there will be something more than weak memories of a lover I don't have. Shouldn't be hard right?
So that's today. My bridge from yesterday to tomorrow. I had many joys and many sorrows but my day was completely real. All the emotions and struggles, tensions and trials, all the raw moments and astonishing joy, it wasn't from the television or a second hand story, I didn't see a movie or read the paper, I lived my life, today, even though it was scary to write it out, I guess we all manage some how.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)