The Correct Response

This is a combination of a dancing update and a question on how to react to others.

Tonight was dance class. On Sunday night I practiced dancing. Honestly I did a combination of practice and playing around, but I did practice. Finding where to put my feet and when seems to be a challenge for me. I counted the steps and I played around until I felt a little bit better about everything. It was fun and exciting and I enjoyed myself a lot in the privacy of my own apartment. Then I got to dance class. The teacher had me help out last week, this week I was almost his only "helper".

I tried to do everything right, everyone was watching, everyone was trying to learn and I was supposed to be an example. While managed to control the blushing a bit, I still felt awkward. The class was nearly full of beginners, translating into mostly strangers, even more than the old mostly strangers. The teacher was nice to me and didn't point out my shortcomings in front of the class like I feared he might. Looking back I wish he had.

This class was the first class to be uneven. There were more females than males meaning somebody had to dance with the teacher. I spent the first few dances with a wonderful and humorous elderly man who kidded about how tense and nervous he was, his jokes and uncertainty was relaxing for me. Then the teacher told me he was going to dance with me instead, "Because you need work. Just kidding." Commence dancing. Some place between there and the first dance in front of the class where he told me I did excellent I became confused.

We switched partners later again later. My old partner actually requested to have me back for a few dances, which was nice and means he doesn't hate me like I thought he might. Or maybe he was just more comfortable with me than the larger, towering woman in heels who joined the class and became his partner tonight. I assisted in showing a few new steps to the class, as in steps that were new to all of us not just the first timers. Then I danced with another guy who had been to the previous two classes. A bit more dancing and we all left.

On my way out I thanked a few of my partners near by for the dance. The last man I danced with I said, "See you next week!" to, he response (I think) "Yeah, practice some before then." Which of course may have been "I"ll practice some before then" or "You should practice some before then." or "We can all get some practice in before then."

Here is where the question of the correct response comes in: how should I feel about the evening? There is a defensive part of me that is shouting, "But I'm trying! And I just came to have fun! And no one is perfect! And this is a beginners class and I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong!" Of course there a lots of variations on that but you get the idea. Another side tries to be reasonable and says that he may have said any of those other things. There's no reason to get worked up. However, worked up I am.

When people say things to me they run deep. The book Jess suggested talks about naming people and the importance of those names. I allow everyone to name me, even the man tonight who's name I don't know. How should we deal with the words others give us to define ourselves? Both good and bad things said about me I have always struggled with, I become what you call me. "Be careful how you define me," I tell my loved ones, "I will become whatever it is you do."

That doesn't seem like the appropriate response though. Walking away and ignoring others doesn't either. How are we to be defined outside of our community? My dancing has very little meaning outside of a partner, a culture, a time period. I need these things for the character of me to play in, and therefore they shape and define me, shouldn't I pay attention to how my character is perceived? If I do simply ignore comments made about how others see me with what objective tools can I develop a sense of self?

So when I prepare for dance class next week, because the idea of walking away in shame is not one I can choose, do I spend extra time trying harder and harder to prove myself worthy to a name that I fear may have been given to me? Do I harden my heart to the comments and dismiss them over and over while I over think the situation, as I am almost certain to do? Do I become angry? Devalue myself as a dancer? Do I accept that I have no skill and therefore should not attempt it again after this course? How do I move forward after being named?

Please apply this to hundreds of themes, people, and ideas over the course of any given week. It's not just a dance, it's a life.