Officially, on facebook status, I'm single. I am a single individual beating my chest against the world daring it to take me on. Unofficially I am part of a million loose connections of people who probably wouldn't mention me as part of the "people of their life" stories but still have regular and important interactions with, even if it is only by chance.
Being "alone" allows me to be with lots of other people. When I say that I don't mean I get to go home with a different guy every night, I mean that I get to appreciate the small parts of the loose interactions so much more. Little moments become much larger. For example, one of the things I enjoy most about dancing is that it allows for touching that is restrictive enough for me to allow but still a physical gesture of closeness. Small touches from others are surprisingly encouraging when I can convince myself to accept them as only that. Likewise, a shared love of a style of writing brings a smile to my face that I remember on the drive home. A near stranger who shouts "Why have we never talked about this before! I like you so much now!" brightens my evening. There is a heart stopping lurch when a co-worker says "I love you." Knowing that it's true, maybe even on several levels, allows for mixed feelings of gratitude and tension.
When I had someone to come home to every night, when there was the promise that someone would care about my day and would reinforce who I was, these moments went by unnoticed. Other people were less relevant. Now I can experience a greater range of love and because I notice it in others I feel I can better give, if not love, at least care and consideration to the people I live in these loose communities with.
It was just a day, but a facebook message, a missed call, a text sent, and a handful of conversations and hugs were more than enough to make it bareable. This is what I need to remember in the mornings when I hate myself for draging a nearly lifeless body from bed and forcing it out into, what feels like, an unforgiving and cold world.
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